One of
youngest player
on the 'Bulldogs', Frances 'Frank' Lionello
exemplifies all that is wrong with today's youth. He
was born in Elmwood Park, IL, a real shit-hole
suburb outside of Chicago. As a child, Frank was not
interested in sports, girls or school. In fifth
grade he dropped out of school to pursue his
passion; marijuana gardening.
As a teenager
Frank's hobbies were (in no particular order)
picking his nose, watching TV and playing NHL '87 on
his Nintendo game system. When he wasn't
busy
with those things, he was occupied munching on
Little Caesar's Pizza, junk food and smoking weed
with his loser buddies, in the basement of his
parent's house. Life was a breeze for this slacker.
He had no responsibilities, no education and no
regrets.
On his 16th
birthday, Papa Lionello gave him the old family car,
a 1977 Lincoln Town Car. The car was a real shitbox.
It needed a new transmission, carburetor, radio and
windshield. None of that deterred Frank from taking
the car out with 'Natural Addiction', his band of
stoner buddies. One summer night, after getting
totally obliterated on a combination of weed,
barbiturates and beer, Frank and his buds decided to
take a drive across the country. With Pink Floyd
blaring from the boom box, the band of idiots had no
idea where they were going or where they would end
up. The car finally broke down in Baja, Mexico,
where they all decided to reside, since grass was
available on every street corner. Frank was in
pothead paradise.
Shortly thereafter,
'Natural Addiction' began experimenting with
stronger and more exotic forms of marijuana. One by
one, the potheads began dropping dead. Perhaps they
were constantly high or just plain stupid, but it
never occurred to the surviving members that maybe
they should give up the experimental cannabis before
it also ended their life. When Frank realized he was
the sole survivor, he hid the stash and called the
police.
When the cops
arrived, they arrested him on suspicion of murder
and threw him into the infamous 'El Pollo Loco'
prison. The jail was populated by the lowest,
filthiest rapists and murderers in all of Mexico.
Frank and his fresh gringo ass had about a zero
percent chance of survival. On his third day in
prison, he was cornered by three low-lives looking
for some tail in the yard. Luckily, Barry 'The
Butcher' Melrose rescued Lionello and made him his
bitch. Melrose a former NHL player and coach was
doing some time himself for attempting to smuggle
some merchandise (illegal immigrant housekeepers)
across the border. He was coaching the Baja 'Bandejos'
of the Mexican Summer League at the time of his
arrest.
Under the
'Butcher's' tutelage, Frank grew a mullet and
learned about the finer points of hockey. It was the
first time in his life that he had ever participated
in an activity that required physical or mental
activity. Frank and his sore rectum were released
two months later, after an autopsy revealed that
'Natural Addiction' had died of natural causes.
Melrose was released shortly thereafter.
Upon his release,
Melrose invited Frank to tryout with the 'Bandejos'.
Frank bought a 1981 Lincoln Town Car after he made
the team as a right winger/center. He would go on
to play with Baja for two more years before
returning to the US. While in the US, Frank signed a
contract with the Palatine 'Camel Punchers' of the
HTHL. He used his signing bonus to buy a 1984
Lincoln Town Car. After the team disbanded, he
signed with the Ayers 'Warriors'.
The 'Warriors' were
one of the most dreadful teams in HTHL history. It
was usually the club where mostly undesirables,
has-beens and never-will-bees ended up. It was bad
enough that they rarely ever won, but Frank had to
deal with some of the most selfish and bizarre
personalities he had ever encountered. Featuring
players like Shawn 'All Me' Ayers, Joe 'Monkey F*ck'
Holloway, Dennis 'Quick Draw' Cole and Hendo 'the
Horrible' Henderson, Frank was contemplating
quitting.
In early 2003, the
Karim brothers found themselves with no choice but
to sign with the 'Warriors' after they were let go
by 'Capitol Punishment'. Once they arrived, Frank's
game and the 'Warriors' dramatically improved. Most
teams would embrace their new-found success but the
'Warriors' transformed into a team of prima donnas
with dissension and power struggles becoming the
main focus. Frank and the Karim's left after the end
of the season to play with the 'Bulldogs' of the DHL.
With the exception
of a two month stint in the Mexican League, Frank
has played for the 'Bulldogs' since 2003. He
currently plays right wing, still smokes grass and
drives a 1990 Lincoln Town Car.