No team is complete without at least
one or two crafty veterans to round out its squad.
For the ‘Bulldogs’, that crafty veteran comes in the
form of one William Wonka Nolan. Born sometime
during the Truman administration, Bill started
skating at the age of five to build up his strength
after contracting polio as a toddler. Back in them
days, Jonas Salk hadn’t yet developed the vaccine
for the disease, so poor, little Billy lived in a
bubble until the immunization was made available.
Once he gained some weight on his
frail frame, Bill started playing hockey. He
excelled as a player at every level from pee-wee’s
all they way up to Juniors. At age 17, the Chicago
Blackhawks selected him in the third round of the
amateur draft. He was ecstatic to be drafted by his
hometown team, and even more excited to be playing
alongside his hero, Bobby Hull.
His rookie season was not as
successful as he had hoped. Although he scored 23
goals, he also led the league in penalty minutes and
missed practices due to drunkenness. Bill would play
for Chicago for 1 ½ more years, until Uncle Sam came
calling midway through the 1969-70 season. He was
drafted by the US Army and headed off to Viet Nam.
Bill wasn’t crazy about the war, but
figured if he was going to be stuck in Southeast
Asia, he may as well make the most of it. He avoided
combat by volunteering as a postal clerk. In the
evenings, he ran a whorehouse on the Ho Chi Minh
trail and began photographing the local whores for
publication in any magazine that bought his
pictures. All went well until, the Viet Cong bombed
the brothel. Cpl. Nolan was wounded (paper cut) and
honorably discharged.
After returning stateside, Bill
became a hippy and changed his name to Horn Toad. He
attempted to join the Black Panther movement, but
was rejected due to the pigment of his skin.
Nevertheless, he took the Panthers to court for
racial discrimination and was awarded the sum of $3
million. The Panthers filed for bankruptcy, so Horn
Toad never saw a dime of his settlement.
In the early seventies, Horn Toad
grew an afro and sideburns. He became a frequent
patron at all of the hip disco clubs. At one club,
he met Bob Guccione, founder and editor of PENTHOUSE
magazine. Guccione liked the kid’s style and
enthusiasm, so he hired him as a photographer.
Unfortunately, Horn Toad was fired less than a month
later for sampling the ‘product’ rather than
photographing it.
With no money in his pocket and no
future ahead of him, Horn Toad, re-emerged as a
hockey player for the Oklahoma City Blazers of the
CPHL. He changed his name back to Bill Nolan and
found his way back to the NHL with the Boston
‘Bruins’. During the 1978-79 season, he discovered
Jack Daniels Whiskey and introduced it to his
teammates. The ‘Bruins’, had one of the best records
in the NHL that year, but playing with a hangover in
the playoffs, got this team eliminated in the second
round. Once the Boston GM discovered that Nolan was
behind the players’ intoxication, he was deemed a
‘clubhouse cancer’ and swiftly traded to the
expansion Edmonton ‘Oilers’.
The trade turned out to be a
blessing in disguise. Bill became the Edmonton team
captain and given the responsibility of tutoring a
pair of young rookies named Wayne Gretzky and Mark
Messier. Gretzky, as history has proven, became, its
greatest superstar and Messier, a perennial
all-star. Both players have since credited Bill’s
tutelage and leadership as the secret to their
success. The ‘Oilers’ would go on to win five
Stanley Cups from 1984-1990.
Bill retired from the NHL in 1992
after having played a total of 18 seasons
(1967-1969, 1977-1992). In that time he racked up
312 goals and 376 assists. After his retirement, he
got married and raised a family. The crusty old fart
thought he was done with hockey until he was
approached by GM Alex Martinez to come out of
retirement and help a struggling ‘Bulldogs’
franchise. The fifty five year old former all-star
refused at first, but when Martinez threatened to
show videotape and compromising photos of Horn Toad
to Mrs. Nolan, he immediately signed the contract.
Since the 2004 season, Bill has
starred as a right winger for the ‘Dogs’. He’s a
little…actually a lot older than his teammates, but
is still an effective player. He doesn’t quite have
the lightning he displayed in his days as an NHL
player, but he more than makes up for it in
experience. He plans to play for this squad for as
long as Martinez has possession of those
incriminating items.
Regular Season
Stats