August 9th, 2006- WHITE TRASH CENTRAL, IL- How do you go from a sausage-fest to a pork-fest to an all out hog-fest in one evening? Attend a party in the trailer park neighborhood of Jason Darfler & James Senne.

Out in the dirty hills of western Carpentersville, IL, where in-breeding is common place and moonshine’s manufactured alongside the crystal meth in barns, is the quaint residence of the two least celebrated ‘Bulldogs’. On Saturday night, Darfler & Senne threw a party to mark their return to the ‘Bulldogs’ franchise. The two had been touring Japan this summer with the Nakatomi Knob Polishers, a semi pro women’s team that is notorious for moonlighting as geisha girls and sumo wrestlers. Both defensemen received special exemptions to play on the team due to their failure to indicate their gender on the team application.

It started out as a total sausage fest with a male to female ratio of 4:1, disappointing several members of the ‘Bulldogs’. The choice between possum burgers, porcupine hotdogs and other nasty vittles off the filthy grill didn’t make things any better. Although assured by Darfler that a broad (no puns intended) selection of girls would be attending, the ‘Dogs’ spent the first couple hours of the bash in a sour mood and hungry. However, nothing could prepare the guys for what would follow. A herd of rather large girls, came rolling in at about 9:00PM. One by one, the Jenny Craig rejects came through the door, some barely fit through, while the others didn’t bother to attempt it. They just stayed outside, grazing. Before you could blink an eye, the place was crawling with heifers, degenerates and hillbillies. The ‘Bulldogs’ and their fans soon became the minority as they watched in disbelief as this party unraveled into a hillbilly hoe-down.

To fully appreciate what this party eventually became, we asked several observers for their input.

“I always thought I was a bit chubby” said one fan. “When I saw those beasts come in, I suddenly felt like a supermodel. My God, they were huge!”

One ‘Bulldog’ said “I should have stayed with Frank and Jeremy in the bar at Johnny's. Not that the food was bad (it was awful) or that the booze was bad (it was stale). Jason went out of his way to make sure we had a good time, but I felt like I was in a nightmare. You know the kind, the one where you’re back in high school, and you forget your locker combination. It was a nightmare mainly because the two things that I hate most in life were there; fat hoes and [expletive]. It was like a Kid Rock post-concert party gone bad---real bad. The only saving grace was that I had good ‘Bulldog’ company and our #1 fan was there in attendance.”

Another ‘Bulldog’ stated “Hey man, this was bad. Pork is forbidden in my religion and I got a triple helping tonight. Swine (or something resembling it) on the grill, a sausage fest of scumbags and some of the biggest porkers in the western hemisphere dressed in skimpy outfits. When I got home, I prayed to God for forgiveness.”

“Hot Damn!” said a fan. “It was like the Bay of Pigs Invasion! It was like the Girls Gone Hog-Wild video. I felt like my only selection was pork chops, fat back ribs or ham hocks. It was like I died and went to hog hell. It was like……!”

One ‘Bulldog’ commented “The worst part of all of this was, while all of us (players and fans) were dreading our surroundings, the hosts were having a ball. I don’t know if they drank so much that those girls began to look like babes (more like Babe: Pig in the City), but they didn’t go to their respective bedrooms empty handed.  Those boys got lucky…er unlucky that night. They probably realized the error of their ways in the morning when they saw what woke up next to them. Of course, I could be enormously (no puns intended) mistaken. Maybe they just enjoy the company of a full figured woman.”

However, one fan did enjoy herself “It was like sooooo cool” said the anonymous fan. “I ate that crap off the grill, drank some stale beer and smoked a little weed. I just wanted to tear up the carpet and have a good old time. This is my kind of party!”

This reporter has no clue how the party ended. Like the players and most of the fans, I left before something bad could happen to me. I wasn’t about to wake up in a trough or end up on the T.V. show ‘COPS’ with my shirt off. With this party, the ‘Bulldogs’ have reached a new low.