June 21st, 2005-- It’s that time again to provide the ‘Bulldogs’ Top 10 Useless Info Nuggets, Gossip & Other Tidbits of the Month

10.) Ted Markos: Ted decided that a future in hockey wasn’t competitive enough for him, so several weeks ago, unbeknownst to the ‘Bulldog’ organization; he began training for the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship). In order to keep his off-ice hobby discreet, Ted began his quest for the championship by donning a luchador mask and fighting under the moniker of ‘Napoleon Firecracker’. Unfortunately for ‘Napoleon’ his secret was exposed when he broke several ribs and got unmasked by Harry ‘The Hooligan’ Houlihan in a bout last week. While Markos got the win by disqualification (Houlihan used several foreign objects including a folding chair from the stands), he was spotted by a member of the ‘Bulldogs’ PR staff. The staffer in turn ratted out Markos to the front office, who will now decide whether or not Ted’s new pastime is a breach of his contract. If the contract is voided, Markos stands to lose at least two or three bucks in bonus money this season.

 Napoleon Firecracker

9.) Denny Pratt Memorial Tournament: On Memorial Day Weekend, the ‘Bulldogs’ came in and cleaned up Johnny’s Ice House Arena by taking home the gold in the First Annual Denny Pratt Memorial Cup. Congratulations to the ‘Bulldogs’ for what should be the first in a long line of tournament victories. Upcoming Tournaments include the Third Annual Czechoslovakia Cup (to be aired on Polish, Czech and Slovakia TV) and a tournament in Canada.

8.) Joey V. in Love?: While most ‘Bulldogs’ players were resting between games at the Tournament, Joey V. decided to utilize his Mack-daddy skills in the pub above the rink. Despite the broad (no puns intended) selection of fine looking women the establishment had to offer, Joey only had eyes for one; a buck tooth, power lifting, freckle-faced country girl, who also played defense for the rival ‘Mile 41’ squad. Joey claims he was drunk and couldn’t remember what she looked like or how they ended up sucking faces, but the rumor mill tells us that this was not a one night thing. Joey has been seen around town with this barker several times in the last couple weeks.

’Hey Joey, how ‘bout that kiss?”

7. Attendance: Despite their recent success, the 'Bulldogs' haven't been able to draw like they have in seasons past. Their last game drew only 1 fan, who just happened to be injured left winger, Sal Karim. That brings their season attendance to date up to 24. What happened? Used to be that the 'Dogs' drew 25-50 fans per game.

6.) Drunken Penguins: Shame on the ‘Penguins’! In last week’s rematch against the ‘Bulldogs’, the Drunken ones decided that rather than play a competitive game, they would fire up the rivalry even hotter by using this game as an opportunity for some retaliation. The ‘Bulldogs’, mainly the hot-headed Karim brothers, showed great restraint by staying focused and not lowering themselves to that level of thuggery. However, don’t count on the ‘Dogs’ to play Gandhi in their next match up with these guys.

5.) Scoring Drought: Halfway through this season, Joey F.V. and Jason Darfler lead the club with eight goals apiece. They are followed by Ryne Gerstner (6), Sam Karim and Frank Lionello (4 each). The problem isn’t with the guys who have scored, but rather those have yet to plant one between the pipes. Players like Maher Karim, Tony Feeney, Sal Karim and Bill Nolan are all sporting goose eggs. If they don’t get out of their slumps, they may not have a job come next season.

4.) Offensive Juggernauts: Speaking of scoring, the ‘Bulldogs’, were widely recognized in the past solely as a defensive team This season, they lead the league in scoring with 36 goals so far. Consider these other statistics (through five games):

• They have outscored their opponents collectively 36-13, leading the league in both goals scored and goals against.
• They have averaged 7.2 goals per game.
• They have averaged 7.2 assists per game
• A player has turned the hat trick six times this season, with two players doing so in a game on two separate occasions.
• Every player who has appeared in at least one game has registered at least one point.
• Eight different players are averaging at least one point per game, with three different players averaging at least two points per game.
• The ‘Dogs’ didn’t reach 36 goals scored last season until their ninth game of the season.

3.) Injuries: Sal Karim landed himself on the injured list after spraining his ankle in practice last week. He joins Ted Markos (broken ribs), Kurt Swanson (back), Brad Avi (knee), Bill Nolan (amnesia) and Brad Cornis (everything) on the list of those expected to miss some time.

2.) Drunken Penguins Part II:  Has a team ever come up with more excuses than these guys? In two meetings with the ‘Dogs’, the ‘Penguins’ have lost both games, including a huge blowout in the rematch. Rather than accepting their loss and putting forth the effort to play a better game in their next meeting they decided that making excuses was a better idea. Here is a letter sent to the ‘Sin Bin’

Hammer,

 I just wanted to say that you guys got real lucky last night. Your goalie is like a revolving door, everything goes in.  We were short a few players and if we had the rest of the team you guys would be in big trouble.  I can't wait until our next game.  We are going to light you guys up. 

Tom

Tom,

You stiffs lost 9-2, I hardly call that luck. In fact, I call it an embarrassment. Considering the ‘Bulldogs’ undefeated record this season, we must have a horseshoe up our collective asses to be this lucky.

If our goalie is such a “revolving door”, surely your squad could have scored more than just five measly goals in the two games combined. In fact, your goalie has surrendered more goals in the two games against the ‘Bulldogs’ than our goalie has given up the whole season to the entire league. If our goalie is a revolving door, than yours must be a sieve.

As far as you being short on players, I don’t buy that excuse either. The ‘Bulldogs’ scored four goals in the first four minutes of play so fatigue can’t be blamed on a lousy start. In our first meeting of the season, we dressed eight skaters to your ten, and still won 5-3. We have dressed less than two full lines on another occasion this season, and we also won that game. This further disproves your theory of how luck plays such a big part of our game.

We do appreciate, you writing to the ‘SIN BIN’, but next time, don’t include your lame excuses.  It demonstrates poor sportsmanship and further discredits your reputation in this league.

-Hammer

1.) The Unabomber: A couple weeks ago, the ‘Bulldogs’ faced the ‘Unabomber’s’ team, the ‘Catfish’ for the first time this season. Seems like ‘Mr. Bomber’ took exception to that expose we featured about his double-life in last month’s edition of the ‘SIN BIN’. Normally, a level headed player with minimal skills, the ‘Bomber’ showed no interest in the game at hand, proceeding to slash, cross check and sucker punch any ‘Bulldog’ within reach. The ‘Bulldogs’ would have retaliated, but considering the ‘Unabomber’s’ affiliation with the US Postal Service, they decided it would be best if they just let him vent his frustration on the ice instead of receiving an unmarked package in their mailbox.

 Be wary of any suspicious packages delivered by this oddball.

That’s it for this month’s edition. Check back in a couple weeks when I go digging into the mailbag and read some of our fan (and hate) mail.