June 5th, 2006- It’s been a while since we posted here from the ‘SIN BIN’. Seems as though the ‘Man’ has been keeping us down for awhile, censoring our material, posting nasty responses to our criticism and keeping us quiet. However, since the ‘Bulldogs’ recently took their show on the road, to Las Vegas of all places, we just couldn’t hold back. Listed below are the ten most memorable (and somewhat unusual) happenings on this recent endeavor. Since we won’t use this space to bust anyone out, all names have been changed to protect the innocent—and the guilty.

10.) The Cock Blocker: Let it first be said, that no ‘Bulldog’ scored on the entire trip. Does this mean they were shutout in all of their games? The answer is no. When we say score, we mean, no player got any action…sexually. How could this be? Out of fourteen strapping, hormone filled, males, at least one of them should have gotten a little something, right? The answer is a resounding No, and the Cock Blocker was held responsible. Despite several players coming close on numerous occasions, C.B. was always lurking nearby, to apply his craft. When asked why he committed such a heinous act, C.B. replied “Hey listen, I’m not gonna take the rap for any of these bozos not getting lucky. Archie (not his real name) got shot down 11 times in one night, and I was only responsible for 2 or 3 of those. What about Larry and Percy (again, not their real names). I helped those two break the ice with a couple of nice, Minnesota girls at the bar. They were both so close to getting some play, but one of them was so hammered he kept calling himself, Chester the Molester, which more or less killed his chances. The other guy chickened out when he found out that his potential screw mate, wanted to include her mother in for a threesome.”

9.) Nerd Fight: After a grueling three days of hockey, the ‘Dogs’ spent the remainder of their final afternoon hanging out in the pool and cabana at Bally’s hotel. With the temperature hovering near 100the players, decided to jump into the pool to cool off. One by one they dunked and body slammed the smaller guys as they came in. With the little guys feeling left out, the two skinniest nerds, with a combined weight of 198lbs, decided to do battle in the center of the pool. What ensued was a hilarious and pathetic display of feeble gladiating as the two looked like a pair of schoolgirls tugging at each others pig-tails.

8.) Red Bull (dogs): While most ‘Bulldogs’ players spent their free time relaxing by the pool, a select number of them forgot to bring their sunscreen. Since most of the players are lily white, they burned so bad, you’d swear they were wearing ‘Hellboy’ costumes.

7.) The Stripper: On Saturday night, the ‘Dogs’ decided it would be best to put on their dress clothes (for some, it was their Sunday church clothes) and hit a nudey-bar. It was turning into a horrible evening for most, as the overcrowded strip joint put one guy to sleep, broke the bank for another and sent another one home (see # 1 on this list. Yet somehow, as luck would have it, the ugliest, crack whore in the place, somehow found her way into the tight corner that became the ‘Bulldogs’ lair. She grabbed Archibald (not his real name) and had her way with him. As the cheap ‘Dogs’ threw nickels and dimes at her to perform, Archie snuck in a couple spanks on her fat ass, while she sodomized him with her finger. After the delightful experience, Archie asked the one-legged slut if she would marry him.

6.) Playboy or Whore Monger? :  The Cock Blocker certainly received his share of criticism for his killjoy antics, but how can you dispute the facts? C.B. struck up more conversation with women then all of the other ‘Bulldogs’ combined. Remember the ebony babes (“Black is where it’s at!”)? How about the towel girl at the pool? Or the cabana spanking on the big ass chick after they pulled the ‘Two Moon Junction’? Don’t forget the sure-fire pick up line (“Hell Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about”). Furthermore, wasn’t that him sitting on the edge of the pool, surrounded by nine women rubbing his neck, back and shoulders? Granted, these women were not much to look at, but they were women, nonetheless. Considering the luck (or lack of it) that the team had all week, C.B. could have easily pimped these sub-par sluts to his willing teammates, if they weren’t so damn choosy. Oh well, better luck next time.

5.) Old Hag’s Need Love Too: The eldest member of the team (hint: it isn’t ‘Horn Toad’), decided somewhere between the first and second period of a 17-0 beating of the Pueblo ‘Heat’, that he was going to utilize his outdated, mack-daddy skills on one (or all) of the three nasty ho’z that played for the club. While most of the guys, were focused on winning the game, Casanova, found the time to strike up mindless conversation and discuss weather conditions (during play, no less) with these prune faced, boob-sagging, has-beens. There has been no confirmation whether or not he hooked up with any of the three hags. Strangely, the three women/beasts resembled Magda (from ‘There’s Something About Mary’), the landlady (from ‘Kingpin’) and Whistler’s Mother.

4.) Jelly Roll: The ‘Bulldogs’ biggest groupie, a kid known only as ‘Jelly’, followed the team around for the duration of the trip. Among his many dubious accomplishments were:

• starting a fight with four tough guys, while anticipating that the ‘Bulldogs; would have his back. (He was badly mistaken)
• heckling ‘Bulldog’ opponents.
• stealing and spilling ‘Bulldog’ beer
• throwing up…..regularly
• fraudulently passing himself off as ‘Bulldogs’ president
• vandalizing cones, pylons and other road construction materials.
• wandering aimlessly on foot, like Cain from ‘Kung Fu’.

3.) The LaBatt Blue National Championship: Did we forget to mention that the ‘Dogs’ main purpose in Vegas was the LaBatt Blue National Championship? Lost somewhere between drunken binges, hot afternoons poolside and long nights, these guys actually competed in a tournament. They won their conference, and considering their inexperience, came within one game of winning it all. Now imagine if they had focused on hockey instead of booze, bitches and bullshit. Then again, that just wouldn’t be their style.

2.) The Margaritaville Marvel: What happens when the most intoxicated members of the ‘Bulldogs’ hit the dance floor? Absolutely nothing. While these three stood around like statues on the stage, it took one ballsy (and might we add sober) member of the team to create a stir on the first night in town.

The guys all met up at ‘Margaritaville’ late Thursday night with the hopes of checking out the local nightlife. While most of the guys were shot down by the snobby lasses in attendance, one ‘Bulldog’ shined. He stole the show throughout the evening, but his frolics weren’t limited to just the traditional dancing. C.B. (yes, him again) was also seen break dancing, gyrating and grinding up against  many of the ladies, who created a huge circle around him. When he ran out of moves, he resorted to doing jumping jacks, which prompted those around him to mirror his actions. It was certainly a sight to behold as a bar full of drunks ended up turning a dance club, into an aerobics class.

1.) The Shart: At the aforementioned strip club outing, another embarrassing incident took place. Two ‘Bulldogs’ vanished before the infamous crack-whore dance. One was found passed out in the van, fast asleep, while the other disappeared under more mysterious circumstances. He was found hours later, passed out drunk, smelling sweeter than a rose in his bed. What happened to him was stranger than fiction.

Despite pigging out at the buffets and ‘Fun Burger’, it was no secret that several ‘Bulldogs’ were constipated for most of the trip. It was doubly tough to find the time to take a crap, when sharing a room with three other guys. When their time came, each player unloaded about 4-6 lbs of dung, to finally relieve themselves. Unfortunately, Tiger’s time came at the most inopportune time.

Hanging with the guys at ‘Spearmint Rhino Gentleman’s Club’ that night, he felt a prairie dog trying to poke its head out. While he did put forth an effort towards getting to the bathroom in time, he felt the need to let one more fart fly, before releasing a week’s worth of ass stew in the toilet. Sadly, that fatal fart produced more liquefied sewage and clumps than it did gas. Poor Tiger stood there for several minutes, in astonishment, contemplating his next move.

Now, the average guy would have cried or called their mommy, but not Tiger. He arranged for one last lap dance, then headed for the door. He hailed a cab, slowly got in, smearing his homemade mud all over his ass before heading back to the hotel. The cabbie must have wondered what could have possibly smelled worse-his cab or his passenger.

When he got to his room, Tiger trashed his drawers, scrubbed his pants and showered. Intoxicated and tired, he crashed out with every intent to keep the secret to himself. Alas, after being interrogated by his roommates the next morning, he finally revealed the truth of his whereabouts.

There is no way I could live with every one of my teammates knowing that I shat myself. I personally would have lied about the ordeal, instead telling everyone that I got lucky with one of the strippers or headed to the craps table (no puns intended). While I feel for him and his plight that evening, there is no way the ‘Bulldogs’ will ever let him live this experience down.

Honorable Mention:

Eleven guys and tens hockey bags piled into one mini-van: They would have loved this at Circus Circus.

Four guys, Three condoms, Two beds & One tube of KY Jelly: You can’t tell this story without naming names.

The Wake Up Call at Circus Circus: If you don’t want ass clowns providing your wake up call, stay elsewhere.

The Lounge Lizard at Hooters: He found a new fan base with the ‘Dogs’, after performing all of their requests.

The Transvestite Incident: When you spend a week in Vegas striking out, some of the she-males start to look good.

That’s it for this edition. Check back soon when I go digging into the mailbag and read some of our fan (and hate) mail. Remember; what happens in Vegas, usually doesn’t stay there, it ends up in this column.