Golf (or Gowf as it was originally called in Scotland) was a sport that originated circa the late 1500’s in the British Isles. Through the centuries, the game has transcended continents, politics and race. It has long personified sportsmanship, honor, dignity and manners. The ‘Bulldogs’ brought those values to a crashing halt in a single afternoon. There was no honor on this battlefield, as they may as well shown up with their hockey gear.

The event took weeks of planning and consisted of fifteen players making up four teams. The four teams were appropriately named and consisted of the following players:

*Jose Sombrero had issues with INS and was unable to attend.

The rules were set as an 18-hole stroke play event, utilizing a best-ball scramble format. Prizes were given to the winning team as well as individual accomplishments for longest drive, longest putt and closest to the pin. The losing team also walked away with a consolation prize.

Despite rain in the forecast, the weather was actually quite fair at tee time. Showers did fall and halt play for about fifteen minutes at the turn, but when the sun came back, it turned into a picture perfect afternoon for the back nine.

Team Scoring Machine consisted of a superstar (Gerstner), an inconsistent lefty (Sal) and two hacks (Joey V & Markos). They won the outing by shooting 3-under par 73, bogeying only three times all day. The team played very well on the back nine, to blow away the other squads and walk away with the top prize, ‘Bulldog’ coffee mugs.

Team Puck Hogs consisted of a baseball swinging, ball scratching Darfler, the notorious, head-out-of-ass Munsen, the soft-swinging, tea-bagging Montague and a limp wrested, ball slapping Mancuso. It was no wonder they finished in last place to take home the ‘Bulldog’ thong setup as a consolation prize.

The longest drive competition and the closest to the pin went to the same player. An incredible display of both power and finesse, James Senne took home the prizes by hitting a 290 yard drive that just landed on the fairway on the tenth, and hitting his pin shot within three feet for the win on the thirteenth. Mancuso won the longest putt contest on the ninth hole by sinking a ten foot putt in heavy rain.

Other than participating in the actual tournament, members of the team also managed to:

• Display some of the ugliest swings ever produced.
• Kill a bird (not birdie) that ended up on a players head and later, on a tee.
• Get drunk at a course that had their liquor license suspended.
• Let their motorized cart run out of gas…..or so they thought.
• Tee off with their penis exposed.
• Send a 9-iron shot at a family of geese, intentionally.
• Run their cart into a tree, thus breaking the axle.
• Sabotage one another’s equipment.
• Take an approach shot with their pants around their ankles.
• Play bumper cars with the motorized carts.
• Piss off the course’s other golfers.
• Driving the carts on the greens, tee-boxes and practice greens.
• Butcher the fairway with craters, rather than divots.
• Hit the nearby residences with wayward shots.
• Hit the nearby residences with a golf club that sailed further than the ball.
• Piss in their pants.
• Piss on one another.
• Laugh in the pro shop manager’s face, while getting booted off the grounds.
• Break rule # 7 frequently.

The ‘Bulldogs’ closed out their evening by escaping any additional fees and the awaiting Naperville Police, who stationed themselves outside the parking lot. It appeared as though they were profiling each and every drunk who came off of the course. However, their plan to drive off in ten different directions, threw the officers off, and led to their subsequent getaway. We are happy to report that all the players made it home safely without incident.

“We kind of had to expect this from the guys” said GM Alex Martinez. “It seems that whenever we get together like this, everyone goes nuts, except of course, when there are women around. Everyone is suddenly quiet then, like 8th graders at a school dance. Maybe we should have brought the Samoan chicks [Triple V & Queen Tonga] out with us for this outing. They would have calmed some of those ultra-hyper personalities.”

Details about another outing are still pending the results of whether or not this course or any other will allow the ‘Bulldogs’ to return.  So much for this being a gentleman’s game.