May 4th, 2005- To the victors go the spoils. Thanks in large part to their extraordinary 2004-2005 winter season, the 'Bulldogs' handed out the season ending awards on Monday night. Some of the awards were no-brainers, but several came as surprises. There were a few close races on some awards, but most of the others were won by landslides. There were five multiple award winners and one player (Joey V.) took home three. In all, a total of seventeen awards were handed out to eleven different players.

The Awards were announced at a black tie dinner. The Bulldogs showed up in full uniform and pads. An entire legion of their fans also attended as well as members of the 'Bulldogs' family and staff. The tickets for the event sold for $2.75 and all guests were treated to PBJ sandwiches and flaming hot Cheetos. It wasn't the most appetizing of meals, but it was still a fun night for all. Several players made speeches while others only came for the booze and the bitches.

At the start of the evening GM Alex Martinez said in his speech "I want to thank everyone for a great season. Again, we are lucky to have a team with a great group of guys and good leadership. Jason, James and Joey have proven time and time why they are the team Captains. To be honest, after our first season I was concerned and even at times regretted playing. I thought that I made a mistake in trying to go from Inline to ice, but I am sure glad we all stuck it out. We are a tight group and look forward in playing in many seasons to come. I also want to thank everyone for voting on tonight's awards. If you didn't win an award this season, it gives you something else to aim for next year. Thanks Bulldogs for a great season." Moments later, the team presented Alex with the John M. Smythe Award (Playoff MVP) and the Vagina Trophy (Top goaltender).

Joey V. won the Art Carney Award for leading the team in total points. In his acceptance speech a visibly intoxicated Joey said "I beer... feel can thunk today grbbblow, coming.......woe...beer....see the birds...you who pizza subullate, number!" The confused crowd nonetheless gave him a standing ovation before he tripped on his way off of the stage and knocked himself unconscious. As he was carried off, the team also presented him with the Rocket Richard Award for leading the club in goals scored.

Darfler won the Jerrod Ryan MVP Award by a slim margin over Joey V. "It was a close battle" said Darfler. "I think if Joey had stayed sober, he could have made the difference and voted for himself instead of voting for Samuel Adams. I just want to thank my teammates, my rivals and most of all, Twinkles, the big titty, red head dancer at 'Diamonds Gentleman's Club' for making a real man out of me." Darfler also took home the Chuck Norris Cup for top defenseman. He was seen later drinking his whiskey from his coveted Norris Cup.

"They both deserved to win the MVP" said Sam Karim. Everybody deserved to win an MVP award this year for playing unselfishly and putting the team first." An uncharacteristically eloquent comment from the player who showed the worst sportsmanship this year in winning the Marty McSorley Award. Sam won the award unanimously and even received write in votes from the referees and several opponents.

The Annarella Award was given to Tony Feeney, his second award of the night. He also took home the Lady Bug Award (best sportsmanship and gentlemanly play). The Annarella award, named after the franchise's wimpiest player Tom Annarella is given to the least physical player that accumulates the fewest penalty minutes for the season. In Feeney's case, he was the only player on the team (minimum 5 games) that went the entire campaign without a single trip to the 'Sin Bin'. "I don't know what to say" said Feeney. "I'll try harder next season to avoid getting this award"

The winner of the Rehr Award, named after former 'Bulldog' tough guy Craig Rehr, went to Bill 'Horn Toad' Nolan. Bill missed several games this season due to suspension, immigration issues and a drinking problem. None of that prevented him from taking home the award for the player that accumulates the most penalty minutes. "What can I say" said Nolan. "This is the greatest honor I've received since the subpoena I got to testify in front of the Mexican Congress on the illegal and unethical practices of the Mexican Hockey League.

James Senne took home two pieces of hardware, most notably the Ray Borque Award for the defenseman who best excels in the offensive aspects of the game. He also won the Help out my Esai Award for leading the team in assists, becoming the first defenseman to achieve the feat. "I wasn't sure I was going to win" said Senne. "There was a three way tie between Sal [Karim], Darfler and me, until I got those three assists in the final game of the season."

Sal Karim didn't go home empty handed. He won the Martin Luther King Award for the player who best represented the qualities of a hockey player as a goodwill ambassador for the game. "He don't drink, smoke, do drugs or even have sex" said Senne. "That award was his unanimously.

Frank Lionello won the Tie Domi Award for the forward who best exemplified the defensive aspects of the game. Frank's game on both ends of the ice vastly improved this season, and he just nosed out teammate John Reeg for the award. "This is soooooooooo cool, man" said a very mellow Lionello. "I'm gonna cherish this always, dudes!"

Joey V. had recovered from his spill earlier to accept the Rodney King Award. The award is presented to the player who caused the biggest public nuisance off the ice. Joey's repeated arrests, high speed car chases and public drunkenness allowed him to win this one unanimously. In a surprise turn of events, Rodney King himself, showed up in his prison fatigues, shackles and a police escort to present the award. "I don't know why I be here" said King. "I don't even likes hockey, but I do anyfing for a white brother to take some of the bad publicity off my ass. Can't we all just get along?"

Shocked but very appreciative, Maher Karim won the Most Improved Player award. "I thought for sure that Mike [Mancuso] or Frank [Lionello] would win it" he said. "I must have been really shitty last season to have won the award this year. I'm not sure it's a good thing if I win it again. Besides, I got my eye on the MVP for next season."

The final award for the night was the John Holmes Award for the player voted the biggest prick. The winner was Arnie Becker, who accepted his award graciously, but was cutoff by the band after his speech lasted far longer than anyone would have liked.

Before the evening concluded, Martinez announced that there would be three new trophies awarded next season. They are:

The Ironman Trophy (Player who appears in the most games, with the most minutes accumulated)

The Super Sub Award (The substitute player who stepped up big when he was needed most)

The Ultimate Teammate Cup (For the player who best exemplifies team play, perseverance and inspiration both on the ice and off)

Congratulations to the award winners and to the 'Bulldogs' on a successful season.