March 11th, 2005- In the wake of the BALCO investigation and Jose Canseco’s tell all book, Major League Baseball has taken huge blow to their image as a symbol of wholesome Americana. For many years, performance enhancing drugs such as anabolic steroids, HGH, amphetamines and other enhancers were closely associated with football, College athletics and Olympic events. Now they have crept into the world of Beer League Hockey.

The most closely watched team in the EAHL is the ‘Bulldogs’. Although the ‘Dogs’ have virtually the same players this season as last, they look “Those guys won 4 games total over the last 2 seasons” said an anonymous league official. “They already have four wins this season, and they’ve become an offensive juggernaut, very similar to the Soviet Olympic teams of the 60’s and 70’s. We all knew those commie bastards were juiced up, and I think these guys are too.”

When asked about the teams recent success, ‘Bulldog’ GM/goalie Alex Martinez credited team leadership and extra practice with the biggest differences from last year. “Joe [Van Grimbergen] and Jason [Darfler] have stepped up their leadership, mainly on offense” said Martinez. “Also, Joey has rediscovered his mojo, after a prolonged slump.

Despite Joey V.’s recent offensive explosion, the rumors about his steroids use are beginning to run rampant. According to an FBI report, former ‘Bulldog’ Tony Micheles, allegedly smuggled steroids and other illegal contraband over the course of the last several months from Mexico. Micheles currently plays for the Monterrey Maricon’s of the Mexican league after the ‘Bulldogs’ designated him for re-assignment.

Last month, the FBI received a tip from the Mexican Federales who claim that they were alerted about Micheles’ activities by several recently apprehended dealers and local snitches. Micheles allegedly paid several drug dealers in Monopoly money for his steroid transactions. The dealers, who cut a plea bargain deal with the Mexican courts, stated that Micheles was shipping the merchandise to the home of Mike Mancuso. The FBI report also states that Van Grimbergen, a frequent visitor to the Mancuso household, was ‘there strictly to pick up his parcel’.

“Joey and I are friends, and yes, he comes over, on occasion, but not for anything illegal” said Mancuso. “He’s mostly here on nights when he needs a place to crash, after his old lady [girlfriend] has tossed him out on his ass.”

“That’s absurd” said Maher Karim. “The idea that Joey is juicing is just plain ridiculous. Anyone who claims that he is on anything is obviously jealous. I’ve known him for a couple years and he looks exactly the same way he did a couple years ago.”

Maher’s anger at the press conference wasn’t just in defense of his accused teammate. He was also fighting the allegations against himself. The fact that he has gotten considerably larger in the last year, has prompted his teammates and several fans to whisper the “S” word. “Protein shakes and hard work is the only thing I’m guilty of!” he said. When asked by a reporter if he wouldn’t object to submitting a urine sample, Maher screamed “You want a sample? How about I just piss in your face, you leach!”

“I think we will be doing our own internal testing” Martinez announced last week. “I doubt anyone, except maybe Maher, is on anything. If he tests clean, I never want to hear about this issue again.” Perhaps Martinez’ feels some of the pressure himself, having admitted to drinking ‘Red Bull’ and taking special vitamins from Poland in the past.

When James Senne was asked how he added 20lbs in the last six months, he sarcastically replied “Beer, motherf**ker! Do I look like I’m ready to become a model or compete in a bodybuilding contest?” Senne, who has dramatically increased his offensive output this season (2 goals, 2 assists vs. 1 measly assist all last season), is certainly one player feeling the pressure from the suspicious media. “You guys should leave me alone and go check on [Brad] Cornis or Sam [Karim]. Both those guys take that steroid laced medicine. They aint as innocent as you think they are, especially Sam who wants to fight with every SOB we face”

The medication that Senne referenced are the inhalers used by both players, which contain steroids, though not anabolic, for their asthma.

“I think teams have seen us become more aggressive” said Martinez. “Maybe that’s what prompted this witch hunt for steroids. The truth of the matter is, these guys are hustling their asses out their because they’re afraid that Darfler’s gonna make them skate hard in practice. We simply can’t keep up with his bionic endurance, so were all motivated to skate hard during the game, or else face the consequences later.”

Darfler’s incredible stamina has raised a few eye brows, especially this season where he has regularly skated over 30:00 a game in all but one. He has been visibly more aggressive, taking out larger opponents more frequently. His head size appears to have grown out of its helmet, furthering suspicion that he may be taking a dangerously high amount in a short period of time. Darfler declined comment, but sources report that if for some reason he fails a drug test, he will take a page from Canseco’s book and rat everyone out.

Several other players who may fall under scrutiny are Tony Feeney, Bill Nolan and Frank Lionello. Lionello, a former pot smoking, free-wheeling, pro-drug advocate has admitted in the past that he experimented with steroids. “Sure, I took ‘em man. I wanted to be huge. I got real huge, man. Then one day dude, I was checkin’ out my sack in the mirror and I said ‘WOE, those rocks have shrunk’! This aint right man. I flushed that crap down the can, and smoked a bud. I’m happy to report that the ol’ pebbles are back to normal, brother. Never again man, never will I touch that stuff again!”

When the FBI seized the last of the BALCO evidence last week, they found squeeze bottles filled with clear liquid, marked ‘GUNZO’S’. The liquid is being analyzed and tested. The FBI reports that it may be a very sophisticated steroid, designed to look like water. The ‘Bulldogs’ have been reportedly seen with these ‘water bottles’.

“I thought it was water” said Feeney, who sounded a lot like Barry Bonds. “I didn’t know it was ‘roids. Bill [Nolan] brings that stuff in every week and we all drink it. I honestly didn’t know.”

Nolan refused comment.

If these ‘Dogs’ want to exonerate themselves from suspicion, they should permit public testing by the league. But they will not give in to any public testing unless the rest of the league agrees to be tested too. The idea of organizing a union is in the works.

I agree with Martinez however, if every player passes the steroid test, then the issue should be dropped. The players have enough on their minds in trying to make the playoffs. The whole witch hunt has turned players against one another, and the finger pointing has begun. They do not need the additional pressure, and the weight of a nasty, tabloid-like media following their every action.