Awards Dinner Highlighted By Wild Evening 

August, 13 2005- Never let it be said that the Chicago ‘Bulldogs’ don’t know how to party. The ‘Bulldogs’ held their team awards ceremony on Friday night at Senne’s Bar & Grill, but the event was overshadowed by horseplay, pranks and public drunkenness. The evening ended with most of the players and fans running from the local police after the party got out of hand.

The awards were to be announced at a black tie dinner. However, the Bulldogs showed up unshaven, un-showered and dressed in rags. Several team supporters also showed up, but those loyal fans who blew off the occasion became the unfortunate recipients of some crank calls. Blazer, a team groupie who’s been in and out of a few ‘Bulldog’ beds, was one of those fans. Unfortunately, when her angry, insecure boyfriend answered the phone, all hell broke loose. The ‘Bulldogs’ announced today that were going to issue their deepest apologies to Ms. Blazer and her crazy boyfriend. But hey, what’s the point the damage has already been done.

At the start of the ceremony GM Alex Martinez said in his speech "I want to thank everyone for a great season. We had our best season to date and will only improve in the seasons to come. Everyone deserved an award for their play, and a few stood out and shined above the rest.

The first award of the evening was the Jerrod Ryan MVP trophy awarded to Jason Darfler for the second season in a row. The MVP was an almost unanimous choice for the defenseman who was left speechless when he accepted the award, not because he got choked up, but rather because he had cake and cream all over his face and a beer in his hand. However, there were several boos heard when it was announced that he also won the Chuck Norris Trophy (Top Defenseman). Many fans and teammates felt that the award should have gone to James Senne who at times outplayed his defensive counterpart, including the final game of the season when he played the entire game while Darfler sat out nursing an undisclosed vaginal condition.

Senne had no reason for discontent as he became one of two players to win the Triple Crown. He was awarded the Ironman Award (most games, most minutes), The Esai Award (most assists) and the prestigious Ray Borque Award for the defenseman who excels at the offensive aspects of the game.

Ryne “The Flyin’ Hawaiian’ Gerstner, who spent the last two seasons in Wannabe, CA trying to improve his game, was also a three time winner. Ryno, who spent most of the evening telling strange women that he was in love with them,  grabbed the Rocket Richard Award (most goals), the John M. Smythe Award (most points) and the Subway Sub Award presented to him by Jerrod the Subway guy. Afterwards, poor Jerrod was beaten by several ‘Bulldog’ fans for being an annoying dweeb.

Maher Karim, who stuffed his face with sandwiches and cake non stop throughout the night, paused his 15000 calorie intake momentarily to collect some hardware. He was the recipient of the Marty McSorley Award for the player who creates the most havoc on the ice. He won the award largely due to his cheap hits, his insensitive remarks to opponents, referees and the league commissioner and his lack of sportsmanship. His antics on road trips and at team get-togethers also earned him the Rodney King Trophy for most troublesome player off of the ice, as well.

Sam & Sal ‘Oak” Karim were uncharacteristic first time winners of awards no one expected them to compete for. Sam won the Most Improved Player Award in his first season as a forward. Having been primarily a defenseman for most of his career, he led all wingers in goals and points this season. Sal won the Craig Rehr Award by leading the team in penalty minutes. Usually an even tempered player, ‘Oak’s’ injury and offensive woes this season, most likely forced him to take his frustration out on his opponents.

Frank ‘The Tank’ Lionello, who showed up unfashionably late like he has for most games and practices all season, won the Lady Bug Award for most gentlemanly player displaying the best sportsmanship. Frank, an all around nice guy has irked several teammates with his kindness and clean play. The ‘Bulldogs’ would like to see him get more aggressive and play with a little more anger, like last season’s winner of the Lady Bug Trophy, Tony ‘The Meaney’ Feeney.

Feeney was a no show to the ceremony. One report claims that he was on his way to attend, only to stop in for a cold one at the local tavern. One drink led to another and before he knew it, he was obliterated. Unable to drive, Tony called for a cab which ended up taking him to Toledo. Nonetheless, Feeney was awarded the ML King Community Service Award and the Ultimate Teammate Cup. Tony’s dedication to the team on the ice, and his generosity off the ice made him a near unanimous winner.

Joey V., unable to attend the event thanks to a raging case of syphilis, won the Tie Domi Award for the offensive player who excels at the defensive aspects of the game. His award was mailed to him via the Unabomber in an unmarked brown paper package.

Also unable to attend was Mike ‘G-Moose’ Mancuso. The ‘Moose’ was out of the country to deal with some of his offshore businesses. However, the rumor has it that he chose not to attend for fear that he would win the dubious Tom ‘Vagina’-rella Award. The award is given to the player who racks up the fewest penalty minutes and plays with little aggression. He won the award hands down, but issued this statement via telephone “What a crock! I should have had at least twenty or thirty penalty minutes this season. I’m tough and I got lots of heart, and I’m gonna prove it next season by leading this club penalties and ejections.

The final award for the night was the John Holmes Award for the player voted the biggest prick. This year’s winner was Brad Cornis, who not surprisingly, didn’t bother to attend or collect his prize.

After the awards were handed out, the ‘Bulldogs’ and their fans celebrated with cake, booze and a game of Immigrant Poker. This led to more boozing and more raucous behavior. One ‘Bulldog’ was spotted urinating all over his teammate’s vehicle. Another walked around with whip cream all over his lips like he just performed oral sex on a dozen prisoners. A fan known only as Mehaire, the Polish Prince spent his evening calling and annoying those fans who failed to attend the ceremony. He was escorted out by security for his indecent remarks.

Nick ‘da Roommate’ also seemed to enjoy himself. As host to the big bash, Nick had no problem insulting the ‘Dogs’ or their fans. The club also made the surly; yet gracious host an honorary ‘Bulldog’. “This is the greatest night in the history of my life” said the visibly intoxicated Nick. “After tonight, it’s all downhill from here!”

“Damn, those muddafu**** sure do know how to throw a party” said Big Leroy a faithful ‘Bulldog follower. “They so cool, they so crazy and they so generous. They hooked my ass up with some straight up p*ssy! Me and my Alabama snake is happy!"

At approximately 3:00 AM, the Bloomingdale Police raided the establishment, forcing many of the remaining attendees to flee on foot. The foray by these over-glorified security guards brought the evening to an abrupt end.

Fortunately for the ‘Dogs’, the police were only able to capture one party-goer. His name was Jose ’Dirty’ Sanchez, an oversexed fan who was identified by a woman known only as Sara, a UBS employee. She called the cops alleging that she was sexually harassed by Sanchez earlier in the evening. The ‘Dirty One’ was promptly booked and jailed for the evening and was not available for comment.

All in all, it proved to be a successful evening. The ‘Bulldog’s proved once again, that a team that parties together, stays to……….actually a team that parties like this, will most likely end up dead, in jail or rehab.

Congratulations to the award winners and to the 'Bulldogs' on a successful season.